


all i think about is you

by burningdarkfire



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Episode 124, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29849514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burningdarkfire/pseuds/burningdarkfire
Summary: Decades after the end of the campaign, Caleb and Essek's friendship has ensured a lasting peace between the Empire and the Dynasty.But Caleb ages in ways that Essek does not, and they are running out of time.“Time.  Not weeks, not years. It takes time.”
Relationships: Essek Thelyss & Caleb Widogast, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 28
Kudos: 134





	all i think about is you

**Author's Note:**

> I have been stuck on this ever since episode 124 and I am determined to post before anything happens in canon that will ruin it all. [This text post](https://burningdarkfire.tumblr.com/post/644390681890127872/sundayswiththeilluminati-the-m9-returning-to) made me realize a whole different take on Essek's personality that I wanted to explore. 
> 
> Essek and Caleb's relationship in this one isn't explicitly romantic but they definitely love each other. Take from it what you will.
> 
> Title is from [Bastille - Doom Days](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOX30CHr4JY). When I watch the world burn, all I think about is you.

“You are staring more than usual.”

Caleb sat with Essek on the couch, the books they were studying spread across the coffee table in front of them. He leaned in, stretching one arm around the back of Essek’s seat, and touched his knee with a teasing tone.

“I remember when you could barely meet my eyes, and now you stare as if you will never see me again.”

Essek flushed, a deep violet hue spreading over his cheeks and ears. “My apologies.”

“Hmm.” Caleb took off his small rimmed spectacles and set them aside. He closed the book they had been working on and instead gave Essek his full attention. “You’ve been a little distracted all day. What troubles you?”

He noted Essek’s hesitation, the way his hands folded into his lap. The golden hues of Essek’s clothes shimmered faintly in the light, doing little to conceal his nervous fidgeting.

Caleb had thought the colour would look fantastic on Essek when he’d commissioned the robes, and he was right. The drow looked absolutely regal today, even as he frowned in worry.

“If this is bad or treacherous news, you know that you have my trust and care.” Caleb rested an open, offering palm on Essek’s knee. When Essek reached out tentatively to thread their fingers together, Caleb squeezed his hand comfortingly. “I know that over the past decades, we have not always been entirely in agreement with each other, but I assure you that I will always work with you in good faith.”

Essek smiled briefly and glanced down at the ring Caleb wore today – a ring that Essek had given him decades ago, in the Xhorhause. “I do not doubt you.”

Caleb rubbed his thumb slowly over Essek’s hand in a soothing gesture and waited.

They sat quietly for a few minutes. The warm, magical lighting in the room rotated around them slowly.

“Your hair is nearly all white now,” Essek said softly, and Caleb blinked in surprise. “It is nearly the same colour as mine.”

The comment took Caleb off-guard, and his gaze flickered automatically to where their hands met. Essek’s fingers were so smooth – scarred, yes, but soft and supple, and still slender and limber in youth – while his own were gnarled and wrinkled with age.

They didn’t talk about this often – hadn’t talked about it ever, in fact, beyond a few small jokes – but Caleb was no longer someone to dwell too harshly on his mortality. “We do make for an interesting picture.”

“I do not wish to offend you.” Essek looked forlorn. “You are dear to me, and I –”

“My friend,” Caleb said firmly, “Do not act like these are the last words you will ever speak to me. I am listening, and whatever you wish to share, if it is troublesome, I am sure we can discuss it.”

Essek took a deep, steadying breath. 

“When we met, I was a prodigy and an impetuous young – teenager is factually wrong, but in hindsight, it feels the most apt.”

“You were partially responsible for starting a war,” Caleb said with a light chuckle. “I remember. Not the usual rebellion of most teenagers, but I think we’ve dismantled together just as many plots such as yours in the past few decades to make it worth it.”

Essek smiled again briefly, but his eyes were still strained. He seemed unable to make eye contact with Caleb now and stared instead at their hands.

“You must understand, in the Dynasty – to be at that age, on my first life, when many around me had lived for millennia – it was –” Essek shook his head. “I apologize. I should not have started like that. It is only an excuse.”

Caleb acknowledged him with a tilt of the head. It was clear that Essek needed to make his way through this – whatever it was – at his own pace.

“When we met,” Essek said slowly, “I was clinging onto my brief, short life with bloodied claws, believing that because I was treading on the edge of treason and hubris I should expect to be punished. I should expect my death at any moment and I told myself always that what I sought was worth it. I would throw myself in peril, again and again, if it meant doing what I thought was the right thing – even when my concept of right and wrong shifted upon meeting you, the Mighty Nein, and my methods shifted, became more thoughtful, more aware, but – you were right.”

Caleb could see that tears were starting to well, and Essek shut his eyes against them.

“Time,” Caleb said softly. “Not weeks, not years. It takes time.”

“Time,” repeated Essek, his eyes still closed and his head bowed. “At that point in time, I had only lived about a sixth of my natural lifespan, and even now, I still have nearly three quarters to go. And I expect to live many lives beyond that. I have plenty of time.”

Caleb smiled. He knew what it felt like to never imagine a life beyond today until slowly, slowly, you came to fathom a better tomorrow, and he was happy to hear Essek voice a similar sentiment.

“You taught me how to breathe,” Essek said softly, and he looked at Caleb as his tears began to flow in earnest. “I was dangling always from the highest precipices: daring someone to throw me over, daring myself to let go. I could only ever fathom the fall. But you grasped me by the hand and pulled me up. You saved my life, Caleb Widogast.”

Essek took a deep, shuddering breath.

“I would like to petition the Bright Queen for your consecution.”

Caleb gave a wry chuckle. Essek made a soft sound, perhaps a gentle protest at his reaction, but after decades together Caleb was sure Essek already suspected his answer before arriving.

“I am like you,” Caleb said. It was the simple, obvious, and intimate fact that had bound them together decades ago and bound them still. “It was Veth the Brave who saved me, and the Mighty Nein who raised me.”

It was Caleb’s turn to pause for a few moments as he considered his words.

“But unlike you, Essek,” he said softly. “I am old now, and tired, and I wish to rest when my time comes.”

Essek gave the slightest nod of his head and Caleb could see the effort it took for his friend to try and straighten himself, to wipe away his tears and try and accept his answer.

“Have you found it?” Essek’s voice trembled. “Peace?”

Caleb smiled a little. “I don’t know, my dear friend. It comes and goes. I know I have tried to do much good. I have many who love me and who I love in turn.”

“I do not wish to see you go,” Essek whispered. “It is selfish of me to admit it.”

Caleb leaned in to kiss Essek on the forehead. When Essek leaned into the touch, Caleb shifted until they sat nestled side by side, still holding each other’s hands.

“Do not despair, my friend,” Caleb said. His voice was a little rough as he fought to keep his own emotions from overwhelming him. “Do not waste your time mourning before I am gone. There is much still to come for you and all the time in the world. I hope you know without hesitation that I would not trade this lifetime with you for anything. I am proud to be your friend.”

Caleb could feel Essek exhale from where he rested on his shoulder. “I do not doubt you, Caleb Widogast. I never have.”

They were silent for a few more moments.

“I never thought I would live to have a conversation like this,” Caleb admitted quietly. “In a strange way, I am glad to think about dying now. Like you, I thought I burned too bright and too violently to last.”

“Thank you,” Essek said. He sounded guilty. Caleb understood why, and Caleb forgave him for it. “Thank you for lighting my way.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you're here - thank you for reading! 
> 
> I relate deeply to Caleb and Essek here - this fic is almost embarrassingly personal - so if you enjoyed it, I'm very glad. Please don't be shy about dropping a comment and letting me know. 
> 
> As ever, feel free to drop me a message at my [tumblr](https://burningdarkfire.tumblr.com/) if you want to chat, and as always, I appreciate every hit, bookmark, comment, kudos, etc - thank you!! 💖💖


End file.
